BELLEVUE ZOO ~ INNGS FARM ©

"Maybe we'll go next weekend then.",  I hear mi mum say.

"Go where?", I sez, as I stomped into front room with mi clogs on.

"Get those bloody clogs off. Put em in entrance porch where they belong!", mi mum sez.

"Go where mum? Where are we going next weekend?"

"You won't be going nowhere if ya don't get those clogs off inside house. Ya sound like a bleeding draft horse stomping around place." 

     With mi clogs off, I make me re-entrance.

"Where we going mum?" I sez.

"Ya dad and me are thinking of going to Bellevue next weekend."

"What d'ya mean 'you and dad'? What about me?"

"It depends on your behaviour lad.", she sez.

"What's Bellevue anyway?"

"Bellevue Zoo."

"What? We're going to zoo?", I sez with great excitement. "How we all getting there? On mi dads' motorbike? there's only room for 2, 3 at most."

"Sometimes Richard, you make me bloody wonder.", she sez."We're going on a coach for the day."

     I was beyond miself now, with excitement.  BelleVue Zoo! All those animals. I loved animals very much as I'd grown up with farm animals mi whole life.

     The following week, I was on mi best behavior. Nowt was too much trouble for me. I done all mi jobs on time and even asked mi mum,

"Anything I can do for ya mum?"

"What the hell has come over you?", she sez. "Have you gone looney or aren't ya feeling too well?"

"I'm alright. I just thought I might be able to help a bit."

"Maybe we should go to BelleVue every weekend."

     I didn't fall for this one as I knew she couldn't possibly have meant it. 

     The week seemed to drag on very slowly. I kept asking,

"How long before we go now?"

     This was starting to bother her so I had to drop it, for a while.

     At last! The day finally came. Saturday morning, the morning of all mornings. No more school for two whole days. I hated that place now, with a passion. The school Xmas party had a negative affect on me for my entire school days.

     Dressed in Sunday best, armed with a thermos of tea and packets of sandwiches, we all walked down field and made our way along lane to church at end. It was Saturday morning and very early. Except for the mooing of cows, it was very quiet. 

    I saw one of neighbors, Spencer Sharp, walking his milking cows along the road. He did this most mornings. Once milked, he would march them back up road and put 'em in field with most grass.

"Don't get in way.", mi dad sez. "Stand off to side a' road." 

     Too late! One of old cows dropped a' squirt of sloppy cow clap. It splattered on mi sisters' new dress. Well that was it! Best behavior or not, it was just too much for me to handle. I cracked up laughing so much so mi belly was aching and mi eyes were drowning in tears. So was mi sister, but not tears of joy, hers were tears of disappointment. 

"Stop that bloody laughing Richard or you'll go right back home this instant!", sez mi mum.

     Threats or no threats, it was too late now. I was beyond the point of no return. It was so perfect that it would have been hard to imagine. Mi mum set about cleaning it off with handfuls of wet grass but it was no use. The more she rubbed the more it spread, the more mi sister cried, the more I laughed!

"Morning George. Off with the family for day?", sez farmer.

"I'y.", sez mi dad. "Just waitin' on Sherabang to come."

"It's no use.", mi mum sez. "Come on Sandra, we'll have to go back home and change that dress for you." 

     With that, mi mum and Sandra go back along lane. Mum flat out, dragging Sandra behind like a dog who doesn't want to go somewhere. Mi mum yells out to George,

"Tell driver to wait for me. I'll only be a few minutes."

     My laughter subsided for a minute or so, then it would erupt again. Even mi sister Sheila saw funny side of it. All mi dad could say was, 

"That boy's village bloody idiot!"

     Luckily enough, mi mum and Sandra were back in time for bus. 

"Here it comes!", I sez, as the double-decker Sharabang pulls up outside graveyard. 

"Morning everyone.", sez bus driver. "All aboard for BelleVue Zoo!"

"Sit where ya likes, there's plenty of room. Some people didn't show up."

     We all sat upstairs so as to get a better view. Soon as we were well on our way, I started to tease mi sister about cow clap, telling her,

"I can smell cow muck somewhere!"

"Keep that up lad and I'll have ya put off bus. You can walk home then!"

     Mum gave up with her threats as she knew that I knew she couldn't do that.

     Over the hills and far away, traveling in style we were. Dad was reading a newspaper he found on bus. Mi mum was trying to sleep but to no avail. Four hours later, bus driver yells,

"Bellevue Zoo, coming up!" 

     Out of window, I could see lots of different-looking Sharabangs' single and double-deckers. All sorts of different colors, red ones, blue, green and white ones. It was a very colorful site. I read the names on front of 'em. Some came from Sheffield, Bradford, Huddersfield, Liverpool and Blackburn. Every major town seemed to be represented. The bus driver pulled in to parking lot and we took our place right alongside of other coaches.

"Back at 6 O'clock everyone. Those who are late'll get left behind!" 

      Bus driver kept shouting his message out as we all got off bus. As I was getting off bus, he winked at me and said,

"Don't get left behind lad. It's a long walk home."

"Least I'd get some peace and quiet for a while!", mi mum sez.

     Soon as we were off a' bus, mi mum gave us a message,

"Listen to me you three and listen good. First time you misbehave and show me up, I'll tan your backsides and back on bus you go."

     With that word of warning, off we go on a bright and clear day, Mum, dad and 3 kids! Through turnstiles we go. There were hundreds and hundreds of people milling around. The place was noisy and full of excitement! In contrast to where we came from, it was like a looney bin. We followed the crowds to where the animals were and soon came to first cages. I was excited to see them all but not behind bars.

"Why do they have 'em all behind bars?", I said to mi mum.

" 'Cause some of them are dangerous."

"I don't like seeing them behind bars.", I sez.

"Nowt ya can do about it. That's what Zoo's are like."

     After I put the bars outof mi mind, I started to enjoy misen. We saw Giraffes, lions and tigers. We even got to go on an elephant ride. That was good fun as the elephant got to walk around outside same as everyone else. This was good fun too.

    A sign read, DO NOT FEED THE MONKEYS. Mi sister Sheila saw that some people were leaning over the railing and feeding the monkeys peanuts. She decided to go under the railing and give her sandwich to this big old monkey. As she held out the sandwich, the monkey stuck his arm out of the bars and grabbed the sandwich. At the same time, he grabbed her hand and tried to pull her into the cage! 

     She let out a scream. Just then, one of the groundsmen run up and grabbed hold of her. He tried to get the monkey to let go. The monkey seemed to like mi sister better than her sandwich. After her hand was freed, the groundsman gave me mum a right telling off for not watching her kids. This pleased mi mum no end. Mi sister got a few good cracks on her bare legs and was made to hold mi mums' hand for the rest of day.

"Hey mum, look at that monkey sat over there? Why is he playing with his willy mum?"

"Trust you to see something like that Richard! How the hell do I know? Just be careful he doesn't grab your willy!" she sez as she took a swipe at me and missed.

"Let's go over and sit at those tables over there.", sez mi dad.

     We all sat down and mi mum gets tea flask out. As she starts to pour, mi dad sez,

"I'll be back in a minute wench, I'm just off to toilet."

"If you're not back from that bar by the time were finished George, me and kids are going back to bus. I've had enough of this today, already!"

     

     It was a long day and quite hot for that time of year. As we were walking around, I heard some music playing. I sezs to mi mum,

"What's that music mum?"

"It's coming from over there. Let's go see."

     It was a sight to behold! There were crowds of people standing around in long rows.

"Lift me up dad so I can see!", as mi dad hoisted me up I could see.

     A band of men in red jackets with gold trim on their sleeves and collar. They were wearing black trousers with a red stripe down the outside of each leg. On their heads they wore big furry hats with a gold and black braided chin strap. Each one was playing an instrument.

"What are those hats called dad?"

"They're Busbys."

     Just then, one of them caught my eye. He was on the front row and fairly close to me now.

"What's that instrument he's playing dad?"

"It's called a Trumpet."

     All the way home, I could think of nothing else but that trumpet! 

"Do you want some pop and crisps at the half-way rest stop Richard?", mi mum asks.

"NO! I want a trumpet!"

"I'll trumpet you in a minute. I'll trumpet you all the way up those stairs to bed soon as I get you home  mi boy!"

"I don't care how many thick ears I get from now on, just as long as I get a trumpet!"

     When we got back home to Parrok Nook, Inngs Farm, as I was getting off a' bus, I said to bus driver,

"Thank you Mister. I'm getting a trumpet for Xmas."

     He gave me a smile and a wink and said,

"I hope you do Sunshine. I hope you do!"

DRIVING LESSONS FOR MI MUM ~ INNGS FARM ©

   DRIVING LESSONS FOR MI MUM ~ INNGS FARM

A strange black car come driving along our lane way one afternoon. I say strange because only one man had a car in our area, that I knew of. This, no doubt, aroused some interest not only from us kids and mum but also from our neighbors. Along the Lane way it chugged. Surprise of surprises, it stopped at the bottom of our field, right opposite the big old iron gate. All three of us started running down field to see who it was, slowing down as we neared, not knowing what to expect.
     What a shock when mi dads' working pal, Jimmy Crossly, got out of car. Upon closer inspection, I saw it was mi dad sitting behind wheel.
"Where d'ya get car dad?", I yelled out over top of motor.
"I bought it for tha' mum so she can learn to drive."
"Take us for a drive dad."
"Take us for a drive.", we all said, twice in unison.
     With that, mi dad opened back door and we all climbed in. All three kids and Dinah as well. With the gate now closed, we drove up the field. Jimmy said to mi dad,
"It probably won't make it up field on wet days George."
"I'll leave it parked down bottom when it's wet.", sez mi dad. "All right you kids, sit down and keep your clogs off a' upholstery."
     Up the field we go, in style this time. Dad parks car right out front of farm house door.
"Look out dad!", I sez. "You'll go right into front room!"
"It's all reet.", sez mi dad. "Your old knows what he's doing."
"Where d'ya get that bloody car from?", mi mum sez to him.
"I bought it for thee lass. Tha's been whittering about learning to drive so ya don't have to walk everywhere. Well now's ya chance wench."
"Where did ya get money from for a car George. Far as I know we're poor.", she sez.
"I won some moneyh on races wench. I put a couple a pounds on an 100 to 1 long shot and it come home first! Old George Swindells nobodys' mug."
     With that, mi dad and Jimmy jump out a car and walked around it.
"Don't you kids touch ought in there or you'll not get in car again!"
     For once we were all content just to sit in back looking around.
"It's an old Lancaster wench. It's got a good motor and dashboards, all walnut. The seats are genuine leather." sez mi dad.
"Jump in lass.", mi dad sez. "I'll take ya for a ride round field."
     Very nervously (or maybe shyly) mi mum gets in passenger side front.
"Close that door and we'll be off wench."
     Dad pushes the stick shift into gear, lets his foot off clutch slowly and revs' motor a bit. The car moves forward, smooth as ya please.
"There's nowt to it lass. You just push clutch in, double it and off into another gear."
     The car picked up speed now as mi dad drove around field in long grass. Over a few bumps we go. Down a few holes we go. The old car never even felt it.
"Jimmy's gonna learn ya to drive wench. He's a good driving instructor. Besides, tha' never listens to nowt I say woman. By this time mi mum and dad had started having a few rows. Round and round we go. It was great fun!
"Can I have a go dad?", I pipes up.
"Alright. Wait till we stop. You can sit on mi knees and steer it."
     When the old car stopped, I jumped out and round the front I go, straight up on mi dads knees, clogs and all!
"Bloody hell! Watch where you're putting those clogs lad! You'll bloody cripple a man!"
"Let me put it in first gear dad.", I sez.
"All right. Push stick over there and then push forward."
      rrrrrr! The gear box makes a crunching sound.
"Wait till I got clutch in, ya gormless sod!", he sez. "Alright, now steer it over yonder along wall side."
      Soon as it started going towards wall, he'd pull wheel back around. What a great time we had. Sheila and Sandra both got to have a steer of car. When we'd all had our turn, it was mums' turn. She was too big to sit on his knee so mi dad sits in back with us three. Jimmy sits in front with mi mum.
"Hurray, Hurray! Mum's going to drive!" We yelled.
"Come on mum, go fast around field!"
"Oh shut up Richard! I can't concentrate with you yelling and screaming in mi ear hole."
     Jimmy sez to mi mum,
"Alright Iris, don't worry. There's nowt to it. Just push clutch in, then push gear stick across and forward into first gear, rev engine slowly and let foot of clutch slowly."
     Mi mum pushes clutch in, revs engine like hell, lets clutch out too fast and the old Lancaster takes off like a kangaroo with buckshot in its' bum. It lurched and jumped for about 25 feet  before Jimmy got it out of gear.
     Me and mi sisters were shouting and yelling,
"Come on mum! Go faster mum, go faster!"
"Will you kids sit down! I can't concentrate with all that racket going on!"
     Jimmy gives mi mum instructions again. Low and behold, same thing happens, only this time we were quiet.
"Hey mum.", I sez. "You did better when were yelling and screaming. Maybe we should start up again?"
"I'll give you something to yell and scream for in a minute."
"Don't worry now Iris. Try it again.", Jimmy sez.
     Same thing happens again and again and again. Mum didn't drive around field, she jumped around field.
Mi dad says, "There'll be no bleeding gear box left in a bit, wench!" That's enough for today. Better try again tomorrow. Ya might do better then."
     My mum was not amused, to say the least. Better not to tease her about her driving till she gets a bit better. Mi dad gave Jimmy a couple of dozen eggs for his teaching time and asked him to come back on weekend.

    Eventually, mi mum learned to drive round field between hops and jumps. Finally the day came when Jimmy said,
"All right Iris, we'll go out on road now."
"I don't think mi dad was too keen on that idea but Jimmy was in charge of driving lessons. The big bottom gate was opened and the jumping kangaroo was let out of field. Three kids and mi dad in back, mum and Jimmy in front. We're off!
     Out the gate and hard right, narrowly missing a 5 foot high stone pillar, on the lane way we go. Mum was doing quite well until she tried to shift gears. Each time she did the gear shift she would look down to see what she was doing and the car started heading for the stone walls.
"Look out mum, wench, Iris!!" (she was a woman known by many names, was my mother)
"Don't worry.", she sez. "As long as you watch me Jimmy I'll be all right."
     Out to end of lane way and past graveyard and church. Everyone, except Mum, took particular notice of graveyard. Everyone was praying, except me and mi mum.  Round front of church and out to main road. (Now then, some main roads in Yorkshire hills are not real wide, so bear that in mind.)
     Mum was going great till Jimmy turned round and started talking to mi dad.
"Who owns that place George?"
     Mi dad was just about to tell him when the car starts to 'bump'. As Jimmy turns around, his side of car is running alongside gutter in road. A calm and collected man was our Jimmy. (We called him Uncle Jimmy). He slowly reached out and turned the steering wheel out into road again. He never batted an eyelid. In the back seat, three kids were screaming and George was cursing under his breath.
     I don't know how we got home that day, but we did. It was lucky for all of us there was not much traffic on those roads.
     Mum was sort of improving a bit but still needed watching while she drove. The kangaroo hops were all but gone now so Jimmy sez,
"Next weekend, we'll go to Littleborough."
     Littleborough was Jimmys' home town so he knew the way to get there.
     The weekend arrived. We all pile in and off we go. The seating arrangement was always the same. Dad and the kids in back. Jimmy and mum in front.
     We got there in one piece. Mi dad and Jimmy decide to go into pub for a beer. They were gone for quite a while. When they got back, they were smiling more than usual and having a couple of jokes together. Dad brought us all some Smiths' crisps and bottles of pop. He brought mi mum a Shandy. Jimmy said,
"Let's go back another way as it's very beautiful scenery."
     Mum finishes  her drink and away we go. Off in the distance I saw a large lake. I pipes up.
"There's a big lake up ahead."
     Jimmy sez,
"We have to drive around that lake to get home. That's why we're going back this way. Mi mum started to get nervous.
"Maybe you should drive Jimmy."
"Not me Iris, You're doing right well you are. Just keep your eyes on road lass."
     Jimmy was turning around more than usual on the way home, still laughing and joking with mi dad. We'd started driving around lake road now and mi mum was getting more nervous.
"Just keep your eyes on road Iris. You're doing all right."
     Talk, Talk, Talk, that's all they did on way home. I think it was beer talking.
     All of a sudden, SPLASH! SSSSSS! CRUNCH!  The old Lancaster ground to a halt.
"Bloody hell!", Jimmy sez.
"Oh Shit!", mi dad sez.
"Ahhhhhh!" three kids scream.
     Mi mum had run off road into lake! The front end of car was stuck in mud right up to front axels. The water was coming in front door at bottom.
"Everybody our back doors!", yells Jimmy.
      He wasn't' so calm now. Mi dad swearing like anything, not under his breath either. Dad and three kids exit car. Jimmy mi mum crawl over back seat.  There was steam coming out of front of car as we all stood and watched.
"Will it sink dad?", I ask/
"No.", he sez. "But it won't have done it much good."
"It wasn't my fault!",  mi mum says. "You should have been watching where we were going!"
"Now what!", sez mi dad.
"I'll hitch a ride back to town." sez Jimmy. "I have a friend who has a tow truck. You just wait for me here. I won't be long."
     By now, mi dad sobered up and he wasn't in the best of moods. Mi mum only had a shandy and she was in a worse mood.  Me and mi sisters sat on a big stone by side of road and played 'Eye spy with my little eye.' Frst one to see Uncle Jimmy was the winner.
     Mi mums' driving career sort of fizzled out after that so she had to go back to Shakes Pony. Dad sold the car and bought another motor bike.

XMAS AT INNGS FARM ©

    XMAS AT INNGS FARM

Xmas time is always a joyous event in Yorkshire.
     In those days, it was always a white Xmas. In the 1950s' , the weather was quite reliable. Winter time snowed. Spring brought light showers and some sunshine. Summer brought along a little more sunshine and scattered showers. Autumn time, the leaves fell, more rain and winds and then back to winter.
     I enjoyed all the seasons. They each had something unique to offer and the events of life were moulded around the seasons. Prior to Xmas, the snows fell right on time. A snow white blanket would cover the fields and when the North winds blew they would blow the white fluffy snow right up to the wall tops. It covered everything. The trees would be sagging under the weight of frozen snow. Sometimes the whole front of Inngs farm would be covered in a snow drift.
     One morning, I remember putting on warm clothes and Wellies. I was the first out of bed. As it had been snowing hard the night before, I couldn't wait to get out in it. When I tried to open the big frond door, I couldn't even turn the old brass knob. Try as I did, it just wouldn't open. I went to call mi dad, who was by this time getting up to stoke the front room fire again. Every night, he'd put some coal dust on fire before going to bed. This would help the coal fire to keep going till morning otherwise it would have burnt out, leaving the house freezing cold. Cold damp farm house walls were not considered a luxury by anyone's standards.
"Hey dad, front doors stuck and it won't open. I can't even turn knob."
"I'll come and have a look in a minute."
     After some flames were now dancing up the back flu, mi dad came to door. He tried to get it open but it wouldn't budge.
He sez, "I'll go and get mi pinch bar out a' barn. That'll fix it."
     When he got back with the bar, he gave the old brass know a good whack and tried it again. Nothing! It didn't even budge. It was a regular practice to keep buckets of water in kitchen overnight for times such as this. Mi mum was up by now so he told her,
"Put some water on boil, wench!"
     There was only 2 taps in house and both were frozen solid. (Lead pipes froze in wintertime and sometimes they burst!) When the water was nice and hot, mi dad threw some on hinges and all around door knob. He then gave it a good, solid whack. The handle started to move. It turned slowly. Some more hot water and it was now free. He grabs his pincher bar and stuck it in gab between door and frame. It was a big gap so it was easy to get bar in.
     Old farmhouses have big gaps everywhere, especially between bottom of door and floor. Mi mum used to take old nylon stockings with ladders in 'em and stuff each one with old rags and newspapers and stick 'em in front of door to keep draughts out.
     Mi dad kept prying away with his pinch bar till door slowly opened. What a sight I saw! Nothing but snow. A wall of snow. A wall of snow where the door had been. It looked like a snow door.  The wooden door impression was left in the snow wall.
"What now day?", I sez.
"We'll have to shovel our way out. Go and grab that old shovel from feed room."
     I found shovel and give it mi dad and he starts shoveling snow into entrance room. By the time he broke through to outside there was a lot of now in house.
"Look at mi entrance doorway.", mi mum sez.
"Don't start bloody naggin' now women!", he sez. "Can't ya see I'm up to mi bleedin' head in snow?"
     Once outside, he dug all the snow away from door.
     It starated snowing again. The more he shoveled the more it snowed. He shoveled his way down field so he could get of field to go to work. I stood in doorway watchin' till mi mum came and closed door. I could see him out-a' side window a bit. He'd dug a trench right down to gate. When he got to gate and turned around it was snowing so heavy there was almost no trench left. I watched him make his way back up to house, thigh deep in snow.
"No work today!", he sez as he come into entrance porch.
     That Xmas was one of the heaviest snows for years so the old boys said.

     Next morning was Xmas morning and the snow had eased up a bit. Father Xmas had already been and gone. What a job he had in all that snow. He had left me a train set. An electric train set at that!
     A couple of  months back, mi dad had the old house wired for electricity. One of his mates at work come over and done it for a couple a' extra bob.
"One day they'll build a Booster Station and we'll buy a tele.", said mi dad.
"I'll believe that when I see it!", mi mum says.
     It was fun having an electric light bulb in house. No more smelly gas.
     I had that train set out of box within minutes. Once I knew how to put the track together and connect the small transformer, it was off! Round and round it went, a small black steam engine pulling two passenger carriages and a coal wagon. The track made a 4 foot circle. I sat in the middle and watched it go round. Round and round it went. I cranked up the speed with the transformer hoping I could derail it but it was flat out at about 4 miles an hour. After an hour of this I was getting bored. I took the train and carriages off and put them on the tracks in reverse. Round and round it went. I followed it with mi head. In the end, mi neck was so sore, I thought mi head was gonna' fall off.
"Hey mum, is this it or can it do summit else?"
     She read the instructions and said,
"If you flick that switch it goes in reverse."
     Still sitting in middle of track, I flick the switch at full speed and the wheels spin to a halt and backwards it goes. Round and round it went as I followed it with mi eyes. I thought,
'Now mi heads gonna' screw back on.'
     After another hour of this, I'd well and truly had it! This didn't look like as much fun out of box as in it. I had a bright idea. (I was always full of them.) Mi dad called 'em Brain Waves!'
     I got some matches and put them on the track, like logs, cranked up the transformer to full speed and Bingo! Right off the track it went taking the carriages with it. Now this was more like it!. Everything was going well till mi dad saw what was happening.
     He shouts out to mi mum in kitchen cooking breakfast.
"Come out here wench and have a look what this destructive little breeder of yours is doing!"
"If you do that again my boy, back in the box it goes." says mi mum.
"But it's boring mum. There's not enough track!"
"Where do you think I get money from lad? Do you think it grows on trees."
     I decided to pull tracks apart and join 'em together like a snake. Once this was done, I put the box under one end and the train on other end. 'Poo Woo, Poo Woo' as it goes at full speed along the zig-zaggin track, up the steep box and off the end dragging the carriages behind it.
'Now it's getting interesting', I thought. 'That's much better!'
"Come and have a look what this imbecile son of yours is up to now wench!"
     Soon as she saw the train and carriages crashing off the track onto the stone floor, I got the warning.
She sez, "One more stupid trick with that train and that's it! I'll take it off ya!"
     After I'd put the track back together in it's boring circle another brain wave came through.
'I wonder how it works, what makes it move and I wonder what's inside it?'
     The temptation was too much! After finding mi dads' screwdriver it didn't take very long before I had the engine in pieces. Now, all that was left was an exposed engine on wheels.
'Well, that makes it look more interesting!', I thought.
     I put it on the track, hooked the carriages on and turned the transformer know and away it went. It looked different. I could see small electric sparks coming from inside the engine. I liked it although it didn't look too expensive anymore. Soon as mi dad looked up and saw it,  he yells out for mum.
"You're not going to believe this wench. Better come and have a look what he's up too now!"
     This time, she was at lost for words (that was most unusual for mi mum).
     After ducking a couple of wild swipes, she pulls the track apart, put the track and pieces in the box and that was it for the day. No more train set!
     A couple of Xmas's later they bought me a pocket watch. That lasted till Boxing Day, before the back 'accidentally' popped off and the main string got stretched to 3 times it's normal size.

KITE FLYING ~ INNGS FARM ©

    KITE FLYING  ~ INNGS FARM

 This was one of the most traumatic experience of my life.
     It all started on a windy autumn day. At the end of our lane-way was an old church. I had been going to Sunday School every Sunday morning for some time now. On this particular Sunday, I arrived home to find mi mum with dress patterns strewn all over the floor. The old treadle sewing machine was out in the middle of room.
     The sewing machine was her tool. It also served as my source of fun. When she wasn't around, I'd pull it out from wall, roll the belt on to the wheel then take cover off top. I would then proceed to peddle the footplate as fast as it would go, pretending it was a bicycle or racing car. I was hoping I hadn't smashed the needle or something.
     Standing there, watching her cut out patterns, she said "Get your Sunday best off and go out and play."
"Now't to play with.", I sez.
"You're not staying inside and pestering me. Now, get those good clothes off and get outside or you'll go to bed for the day!"
"It's real windy out and there's now't to do."
"There'll be sum't to do in a bit lad. I'll find some jobs for ya."
     I made mi exit right on cue. After changing out of mi Sunday best, I come downstairs and just stand there watching her. Right then and there I had a brilliant brainwave!
"Hey Mum."
"What now?"
"Can you make me a kite?"
"I'm making winter dresses for your sisters. Where do you think I got time for making kites?"
"Go on mum, it's real windy and I haven't got now't to do today."
     After some good-old persistent winging and whining, she finally agreed.
"Go upstairs, in my bottom drawers and bring an old sheet."
     Off I flew, up the stairs, three at a time. Grabbed a sheet and down again, 4 at a time. I carefully put it in front of her, trying not to disturb her.
"Not this one, ya gormless bugger. It's me best flannel sheet!"
     Back up the stairs I go. 'This one's got to be it. It's got a hole in it." Down the stairs again, 4 at a time.
"This one mum?"
"Ay lad, that's it. Give it to me."
     Now the excitement was building. Even mi mum looked interested as she opened the sheet, looking for a spot with no holes in it.
"Go into the kitchen and get me a piece of dowel rod. There's some behind door."
     I looked behind door and saw two pieces. One piece was the one she used for my legs when I got her real mad. The other was a spare. I grabbed the leg-smacking one and took it out to her. She was cutting the sheet up by now but when she looked up and saw the leg cane, she sort of smiled and said,
"Not that one lad!"
     Mi mum was nobodies fool, not even mine.
     First she cut out an oblong shape from the old sheep. Then she measured the shape out sho it looked like a kite. She measured the stick and showed me where to cut it with mi dads rusty saw. When this was done, I took it back to her in two pieces. She saw a speck of blood on one of the dowels.
"Show me your finger."
"It's now't.", I sez and proceeded to lay the blame on mi dads' rusty saw-blade,  seeing as he was out in his garden.
    She cut 4 small triangular shapes of material and one larger triangle shape. She then went over to sewing machine and took lid off. After pulling the bobbin slide back, she turns to me and sez,
"Have you been playing with my machine again lad?"
"Who me mum?", came the reply.
"Yes, you lad. Who else do you think I'm talking to, the bloody cat?"
"Not me mum."
"Then how come the needles broken?"
     Mi heart sunk as I saw my kite disappearing before it was even made.
"Bring me that sewing box over here and look sharp about it. I haven't got all day to sit here making kite, you know."
     Phew! What a relief, She has some spare needles. I resolved not to peddle her machine after that. Well, maybe not as fast. After filling the bobbins, she proceeded to stitch the hems of the kite shape. Then she stitched the small triangles on the corners. When this was done, she stitched the larger triangle off-center in the middle of the other side of the sheet.
     Now it was looking like a kite! When she inserted the 2 pieces of wooden dowel, it really did look like a kite.
"Go and get a ball of string from your dads' tool box."
     Inside his feed room, the only string I could find was attached to the end of his plum bob. I decided to cut the plum bob off with one of his old chisels. I hid his plum bob in back of cupboard drawer so he couldn't find it. I'd deal with that later, I thought.
     Mum attached the string to the larger triangle on the front. She then tied a long string to the bottom of the kite.
"Go and get me some old  newspapers.", she said.
     She then folded a piece of paper in half and rolled it up into a thin tube. She tied it onto the bottom of the kite with the long string. Repeating this 4 or 5 times, the kite now had some weights on the end to balance it.
"Take these extra rolls of paper with you. You may need them to make it heavier. It it's too heavy, take some off."
"Thanks mum.", I said giving her a quick kiss on cheek, while stuffing the spare weights in mi pocket.


     Coat and clogs on, kite in hand, away I went off up back fields where it was hilly. What a great day this was turning out to be!
     Over the back wall I go.
"Dinah, you stay here today. I'll be back soon."
     She never liked being left behind. Her face always had this hurt look on it at these times.
"I'll be back soon Dinah", I sez as I go running off away from her.
     Sometimes she'd find a way around the wall or sometimes if she really wanted to go, she'd scramble up and over the top. On this day, she sort of accepted it although I could see she was none too happy about it.
     Up the hills I ran, letting the kite out behind me. The kite kept swinging and twisting around. I thought, 'Ah well, I'll tie some more weights on it when I get further up the hill.' The wind was blowing very strongly now so I decided to stop running. I pulled the paper rolls I was going to use for weights out of mi jacket pocket. I tied one under the one mi mum had put on. Throwing the kite up into the wind, I tugged on the string a few times. It soared to about 10 feet, then spun around and nose-dived into to the ground.  Picking it up, I examined it. Nothing broken. So I put a couple more paperweight tails on it. Launching the kite in the air, I ran backwards with the string, tugging it as I went. The kite hovered in the air for a while and then twisted around in circles and finally nose-dived  into the ground again.
     By this time, I was getting a bit upset to say the least. I made 2 more paper tails and put them on. I decided this time to run down hill and get up some more speed but the faster I run, the more the kite spun around in circles, eventually crashing to the ground.
     I was getting really frustrated now so I decided to tie a smallish branch onto the tail string. I launched the kite again. Up it went high, hovered for a while and then slowly decended. On and on this procedure went hour after hour. I suddenly remembered on of the Sunday School teachers saying that God helps those who believe in him. So, as a last frustrated resort, I got down on my knees, put my head on the ground, hands together and prayed.
"Please God. My name is Richard Swindells. I'm a young boy and my kite won't fly. Please help me to make my kite fly!"
     After a few times saying this prayer, I got up and took the small branch off the kite, launched the kite and started running. Up and up the kite went. 10 feet 20 feet 25 feet and then, all of a sudden round and round it spins. Down and down it comes and finally crashes, head first into the ground, knocking one of the cross sticks out of its' pocket.
     Now I was really mad! Mi mums' madness had nothing on mine now. At this stage, I was nearly out of control! Down on mi knees I go again. This time I put mi hands together and instead of bowing mi head down, I looked up with mi eyes open onto an almost perfect blue sky. I repeated the prayer again, this time for much longer. I was doing more praying than flying now. 'Two paperweights  off and one small twig on. Launch the kite and run, run like hell', I was thinking.
     Round and round I go, up the kill, down the hill. 10 feet - 15 feet, then all at once the kite spun around and made a perfect nose-dive!
'That's it! That's bloody it!' At that point I could take no more. I grabbed the kite, threw it back down on the ground, screaming and yelling, cursing and swearing, more cursing, jumping up and down. In a fit of rage and temper, I smashed the kite to bits! I jumped  up and down on the cross sticks till they were completely splintered and smashed beyond recognition.  There was no one around for miles so there was no stopping me now. It was far too late for that!
     I found a large stone. Screaming and yelling obscenities, I smashed it down into the crumpled piece of matted string, paper, twigs and cloth. Then I tore the bed sheet material into shreds. More cursing and more swearing!
     All the no-no words I'd heard the old farmers use when they thought no one was listening. I threw myself down on my knees in complete exhaustion. Now, instead of putting my hands together in the prayer position, I clenched my fists together and looked up towards the blue sky. I continued to curse, yell, scream and swear at God. I said everything that I could imagine and everything unimaginable until I was probably blue in the face! I was totally out of my mind! As I shook my fists and cursed, everything started to fade away. The cursing and swearing seemed to drift away, off into the distance. It now felt like someone else was doing it and I was just faintly hearing it from miles and miles away.
     That was it! Everything went dark and I disappeared into the darkness. I became the darkness. I was no more!
     I have no idea how long I was in that state.
     The first thing I remember was seeing a small boy on the ground, curled up in a ball. Next to him was a pile of broken wood, knotted string, rags and paper. His face was covered in dirt and his eyes were red. It looked as though he'd been crying. As I watched him, I felt tremendous compassion for him. At that point I decided to help him for as long as he lived. I have stuck to my word form that point on. I watched him slowly come around, then sit up. He turned to look at the mess of string, paper, wood and cloth next to him. Some of the string was tangled around his clogs. He ripped the string from his clogs, stood up and started to walk away. I saw him look up to the sky and heard him say,
"Fuck you God! You let me down in my hour of need!  I don't need you in my life anymore!"

     He ran down the fields and back to his house. As he jumped over the wall, he said to the dog who ran to meet him,
"Come on Dinah, we don't need him, do we lass!"
     As he walked into the house, his mother said,
"Where've you been? I've been worried sick about you, you little bugger! What have you been up to?"
"Nowt",I said.

INNGS FARM ©

 
INNGS FARM

  Mi first look at Inngs farm was a sight to behold. It erased Skoal Carr at once. Inngs farm, Parrok Nook,  was mi new address.
'Not much to remember there.' I thought.
     Mi mum gets out of LandRover to open gate. It was a big, heavy gate with a chain around the opening side. The chain was fastened to a black stone pillar. Off to the side of sone pillar was, (what's called in Yorkshire), a style. A style is a small opening at the beginning or in the middle of a wall. Sometimes they're located in the corners where the stone walls meet. Between the two pillars is a slab of stone standing upright. Sometimes, there's also a stone step each side of slab, making it easier to climb over. Styles and Snickets allow people to go through without opening gates. They also stop the animals from getting out. Cows and pigs don't like going up steps so snickets work very well.
     Mi mum couldn't open gate as it was too big and heavy for her so we all pile out and give her a hand. After closing gate, we drove straight up field following tire marks left by the previous occupants.
     Inngs Farm. It was a great whopping big farm house, in the top left hand corner of field. In the middle front wall of the house was a large door with windows on one side. On the second floor there were two more windows. Out the front of the farm was a natural spring with water trickling out into a hole with stones around it. To the side of the house was another gate. This gate led to the yard and the barn. The yard gave access to the pig styes around back of house. There was a large tree to back of pig styes and then came the back wall which was our 5 bob week boundary wall. Off to the right, at the front of the house, was the outside toilet.
     It was a very beautiful scene. Even though this farm house was also damp, it was nowhere near as bad as Skoal Carr farm house. We all jumped out of neighbors LandRover and mi dad pulled out of his coat pocket this great big key. It must have been six inches long and rusty brown looking. On one end it had a simple designed handle and on the other, 3 large looking teeth. Mi dad pushed key in the big keyhole and turned it. It was hard to turn. The lock was probably rusty as people didn't need to lock up houses in these parts, mainly because there were no thieves and partly because there was nowt to steal. If anyone had any wealth in those parts, you wouldn't know it by their appearance.
     The farm door lock resisted opening by making a squeaking, scratching sound. Then came a loud 'clack' sound. The door hinges were squeaking as  mi dad pushed big door open. Squeaky hinges were music to mi ears. Later on, I used to stand there, swinging the door backwards and forwards, listening to the sounds it made. Mi  mum and dad never did get to appreciate my musical abilities on those door hinges. Although unknowingly they both put words to mi music. "Get away from that bloody door!" and "Leave that door alone will ya. Ah, what poets they were!
     The door opened and revealed a small entrance porch. Most farm houses were designed this way. The porch was the place where hats, coats and scarves were hung. Pig-dung boots and wellies took up residence against 'tuther wall.
    Mi dad opened next door up to reveal the largest room I had ever seen. It was big enough to ride mi three-wheel bike around. Even mi dad said,
"You could ride a bike around this room, it's so big."
     To the left, against wall, was a large fireplace, much the same style as Skoal Carr. To the right was what looked like a kitchen door. Mi mum was first through this door. She looked quite happy, as the kitchen was in good shape. There was even some old oilcloth covering the stone slab floor. On the wall was a window and underneath window was a deep sink, (the cow trough type). She seemed pleased as it was quite light. Inside the kitchen were steps leading to the bedrooms. Up the steps mi mum goes, mi too and mi sisters in tow. They were shaped like an L. Up 4 steps, then a left angle turn. Open the door and continue up the remainder of steps into bedrooms. One large bedroom and 2 smaller rooms.
"Perfect!", sez mum.
     Each room had a window that looked out over green fields and walls. I could see for miles out of mi window. Green ivy was growing all over my side wall of the house. It was no problem to push the sash window up a tiny bit and reach out for the ivy.
"Close that window! Trust you to be into mischief straight away! I don't want you falling out of there." said mi mum.
      Sometimes I used to wonder about mi mum. Did she think I was stupid? I would never have fallen out of that window. I may have jumped out but that's different. The difference is, see if I jumped out and never got hurt, that was fun. If I jumped out and got hurt, well that was an accident. It all made perfect sense to  me.
     Down the stairs we go. As we went down, I noticed a dark loft. It was the under-drawing of the kitchen roof. I made a mental note that I would investigate this scary looking place, given an opportunity. Mi mum had eyes like a hawk as well as being a mind-reader.  She had  many hidden powers did our mum. She had eyes in the back of her head although she claimed she didn't.
     Downstairs, in front room again, I noticed in far corner, there was a long bench under back window. To my great surprise, there was a top hat and cane sitting all alone, just waiting to be picked up. I ran across the room and stood in front of it. I stood there and stared at it. It never moved.  I promptly picked it up and stuck it on mi head. Sometimes mi mum said I had a big head but that top had swallowed mi head as soon as I put it on. The only thing that stopped mi head disappearing was mi nose and ears. I grabbed the cane and took off running around the room,
"Look at me mum! Look what I found. Can I have it mum? I found it first mum!"
"Get that thing off your head! Take it off at once!"
"Why?", I sez, I found it first.
"It doesn't belong to you."
"Who does it belong to then?"
"It belongs to man who lived here before.", mi dad sez.
"He mustn't have wanted it or he'd have took it with him."
"He couldn't take it with him.", mi dad sez.
"Why not?"
Mi dad sez, "They carried him out feet first. That's why."
     I grabbed the had off mi head, fast as I could. Those days, in Yorkshire, when anyone died the coffin was brought to house and the body was put inside. The lid was put on with a few nails holding it down. It was then carried out the front door, 'Feet First'.
In later years, sometimes I used to see that old man sitting on that bench looking out window. I told mi mum but she she said she never saw him. Mi sister Sheila saw him a couple of times and it gave her a right fright it did.
     Mi dad went through a door in back wall next to bench so I followed him. It led into a small room with some large bins. These were obviously feed boxes. They were lined up along walls. When mi dad opened 'em, there was still some cow nuts in one and some hen mash and corn in 'tuthers.
He sez, "Well, that's handy, rum-looking feed bins they are."
     I was thinking the same only  I saw them as hide and seek places.
     Another small store-room, off to the side, revealed a load of rubbish and a large beer barrel. I looked inside, it was empty. Out the back door of feed room, opened up into a massive barn. The walls were dotted with nest boxes for hens. Scattered around were old iron plow parts. Hanging on the walls were old rotting horse harness straps. In one corner was an old paraffin incubator. Mi dad sez, "I'll fix that up. It'll come in handy for eggs and day-old chicks."
     The barn floor was covered with hen muck and dry cow clap. At one end of barn were 2 large doors that went from the floor to ceiling.  Barn doors are always big and tall so hay cart can be brought inside and unloaded. Mi dad pushed one of these doors open. It led out into yard and round back to pig styes.
     The rest of the day, and many days following, we spent moving in our new home. There was a lot of work to do, scrubbing and cleaning. The ceiling was black from the gas lights. It didn't stay clean long. As soon as they were lit, they started drawing a big black circle on the ceiling again.

   
   

DICK-LAD THE DENTIST ~ INNGS FARM ©

DICK-LAD THE DENTIST - Inngs farm

Mi sister Sandra sez to me, "My tooths sore Richard and it's loose as well, but it won't come out."
"Which one is it?"
"This one at front."
"Let me have a look"
"No, you'll hurt it."
"I promise I wont. I just want to see it."
She opened her mouth to show me and I sez, "Which one is it?" She touched the one that was loose and I saw it wiggle.
"Pull it out.", I sez
"No, it's sore."
"Don't be a big baby."
(She must have been all of 4 - 1/2 years by then)
"I'm not a big baby, I'm grown up now."
"Then let me pull it out for ya."
"How ya gonna do it?"
"I'll get mi dads' pliers, that'll get it out fast."
"All right.", she sez, timidly.
When she saw me coming with mi dads' big rusty pliers she started crying again.
"Don't be a softy! It won't hurt a bit."
That made her cry even more. It also made her jump up and down in one spot. I knew she wasn't going to agree to this game so I had to use mi head and come up with something a bit more creative and less scary.
By this time I'd made up mi mind, 'that tooth is coming out somehow!' Now another brain wave.
"I know what we'll do and it won't hurt a bit."
"What?"
I went into mi mums' sewing box and got out a bobbin of black cotton and put a slip knot in one end and tied 'tuther end to kitchen door.
"Is it going to hurt?", she sez
"No, I won't feel a thing.", I sez to her.
"Alright but if it hurts, you're not doing it!"
"Look here, you look in mums big mirror and put this slip knot over your loose tooth and when you've done that, I'll tie 'tuther end to kitchen door knob."
After that part of the operation was done I said to her, "Now you stand here and I'll push door open."
She was standing there looking at the door with her eyes wide open. Fear was all over her face.
"Don't look. Close your eyes and you won't feel a thing. It'll be out before you know it."
Soon as she closed her eyes, I opened kitchen door with a 'whoosh!' She gave a yelp and started to cry. When I examined the end of mi mums' cotton I found no tooth. The cotton had snapped right in the middle.
"You hurt me! I'm going to tell our mum on you when she gets home."
"Don't be a softie. I got another brain wave coming up."
After a lot of persuasion, by reminding her of all the sweets she could buy with the tanner (a sixpence...a nickle) from the fairies, she agreed to to my next brain wave. I went into the feed bins and I found some good strong string. It was thin enough to go around the tooth and strong enough not to break. 'This time.", I thought.
I knew she wouldn't agree to another go after this one so this one had to be it.
"Come over here and sit in mi dads' chair. Now, you put this slip knot over your front tooth, alright?"
She agreed. So far so good.
"What you gonna do with the other end? You're not going to tie it to kitchen door again?"
"No I got a better idea now. I'll make Dinah sit in front of you and we'll tie 'tuther end around her neck."
"Will it hurt?"
"Not a bit and Dinah will get to help. She'll have some fun too."
I called Dinah over. Over she came, wagging her tail, always willing to please she was.
"Now Dinah, you sit down here. That's a good girl."
After she sat down with her back to mi sister, I tied 'tuther end of string around her neck. Everything was all set.
"Now, listen to me Sandra. You hang on to arms of mi dads' chair and don't let go."
"Don't hurt me Richard or I'll tell mum on you!"
"Don't worry Sandra, you won't feel a thing. Alright Dinah, you stay there and don't move till I tell you."
Dinah was a well-trained dog and she loved being part of our games. Next, I slowly walked backwards till I reached the back wall.
"Come here Dinah, look what I got you lass!"
Dinah bounds forward. I showed her a dog biscuit. She loved 'em.
'PING!' out came tooth.
"Done it!", I yells with glee and pride.
"WAHHHHHHH!", goes mi sister as blood starts to trickle down her lip. "You said it wouldn't hurt. You promised it wouldn't hurt!"
"Well, It's out now. It won't hurt anymore."
The tooth was hanging by a bit 'a skin sticking out over the bottom of her lip. It was so loose she pulled it out her 'sen. From then on she didn't need my help.
Dinah was sat right in front of me waiting for her biscuit.
When mi mum got home and saw mi sister with a gap in her bottom teeth she asked what happened. After she heard the story from mi other sister, she gave me one of her looks, muttered under her breath and said to Sandra, "Bigger bloody fool you!"
That night the fairies came to get the tooth from under her pillow in exchange for a tanner.

DEALING WITH A BULLY ~ BOSTON STREET ` (14 years old) ©

DEALING WITH A BULLY
Xmas was on its way again so mi mum asked me and mi sisters what we would like for the occasion.
"I want a Brindle Greyhound for Xmas so I can go rabbiting on the moors." I said.
"You're getting no bloody Brindle Greyhound out of me!" sez Iris.
"Then why bother to ask me what I want?"
This type of conversation went backwards and forwards all the way up till a couple of weeks before Xmas.
One evening, Iris said to me, "You can have a Springer Spaniel if you want a dog but I'm not buying a bloody Greyhound. They look like they've never been fed for a bloody month of Sundays!"
I was not interested in a Springer Spaniel but that's what they decided to buy me for Xmas so I just had to make the best of it. I picked the puppy up from the station on the 24th of December. Although I did not want a Springer Spaniel, it was a bit hard not to like it when I opened the crate and it ran out and licked my face. It was so happy to be out of the crate as it ran around in small circles not knowing what to do.
Over the months, Raja grew into a fine dog but my heart was never in him because I always wanted a Greyhound. 'Spaniels are not bad dogs.' I thought but they're no use at catching rabbits. During the day when we were at school and Iris and Jim were at work, Raja lived downstairs in the large cellar room. It was a great big room with a concrete slab floor and a sliding window, which let lots of light in for him.

At around this time, I had devised another business scheme where I could make misen a good few bob as the price of cigarettes and sweets was always going up. Ryburn School used to run a school lunch program. Every child who wanted to eat the school dinners could do so for 5/- a week. Some kids used to live quite close to the school so they would usually go home for dinners. Boston Street was about a 15 minute run from Ryburn School. Unbeknownst to mi mother, I decided to keep mi 5/- dinner money and run home of a lunch time and make misen a cup of tea and some toast and jam. Now I had 5 bob a week extra to survive on. After I had been doing this for about a month I had another hair-brained scheme which I presented to a few of the boys who used to smoke behind the back of the Gym.

"This is how it works." I said "You all get 5 bob a week from your mothers for your school dinner, so every Monday morning, instead of paying the 5 bob to the class teacher you can pay me 2/6d and keep 2/6d for yourselves and out of the 2/6d you pay me you can come down to mi mothers place and I'll make you all 4 pieces of toast with margarine and raspberry jam on it. Oh, and one pot of tea between however many of you decide to come."
"That's not a bad idea Dick Lad." Said one boy. "4 pieces of toast and jam will be much tastier than those rotten school dinners and I'll have half-a-crown a week left for fags. I'll start next Monday!"
Before the following Monday morning had rolled around I had signed up 4 boys for my school dinner scheme. When Monday mornings arrived, each boy gave me half-a-crown, which meant I had collected 10 bob plus I own 5 bob dinner money. That meant I now had 15 bob in mi pocket. I was rich, beyond my imagination.
There was about 20 large slices in a loaf of bread. I had already figured out that I could feed all 4 boys for a cost of about 4 bob a week. 15/- minus 4 bob expenses would leave me with 11 bob a week, clear profit!

The first Monday we all met a pre-arranged area in the playground and as soon as all 4 boys were present we took off at a fast run down to mi mums house. Before we got to the top of Boston Street I told the boys that they were to go down to the front door of the house because most of the neighbors lived in the back kitchens during the day and I didn't want nosy neighbors telling mi mum that a bunch of schoolboys were seen entering her premises when she was away at work. I made each boy 4 pieces of toast and jam and a cup of Liptons' tea. After everyone was finished, I cleaned the place up so mi mum would not know, then we made our way slowly back up the hill to school, smoking and laughing and having a good old time!
Each morning, before I went to school, I would buy a large loaf of bread and hide it in mi room along with the jar of jam and the tub of margarine. After a couple of months of this, I got so good at cooking up the toast without burning it that the boys gave me the nickname of 'Toast Man'.

One day a couple of the boys decided they'd had enough toast and jam to last them till the end of their school days so they stopped coming for toast and went back to paying for school dinners. This meant I was now 2 customers short and minus 5 bob a week, which I had already got used to having, therefore, I had to go back around the school Gym wall at first break and drum up some more business.

Johnny Brown decided he would like to give a couple of week's trial and another boy, Ted Eubanks said he'd start coming down as well. Eubanks was a great big fat kid who was well known as one of the schools toughest bullies, so I didn't have a great deal of say in the matter.
The first week Brown and Eubanks paid their half crown each and everything seemed to go quite well until Eubanks started asking for more than the agreed upon amount of toast.

"Give me another couple a' pieces of toast, Swindells! I'm still hungry!"
"No." I said. "4 slices is what you’ve paid for and you've already eaten all 4. There's no more for you until tomorrow!"
"I'm not coming down here next week! I don't like like this bloody deal!" said Eubanks.
"Suit ya' self. You're the only one who has ever complained so far."
The following Monday when I went around the boys to collect their half-crowns, Eubanks said "I'm not coming down this week. I'm spending the whole 5 bob on fags. Anyway, I'm already sick of toast and jam."
"Alright, no problem." I said. "I'll find somebody else to replace you."

The following day, which was Tuesday, Eubanks said to me, "I've spent all mi money on fags so I've got now't left to buy misen some lunch with. Can I come down to your place for some toast?"
"No, you didn't pay your money yesterday, the same as the other boys did so you can't come this week. You can start coming down again next week as long as you pay the half-crown on Monday morning."
"I'm comin' down with Brownie at lunch time whether you like it or not!"
"You can walk down with Brownie as far as you like but you won't be coming in!"
When lunchtime arrived, Eubanks fell in at Brownies side and refused to leave. He walked all the way down to mi mums' house. When I let the boys in through the front door, Eubanks forced his way into the house and refused to leave. As I was making the toast and tea for everyone in mi mums' kitchen, he started to make a big nuisance of himself and made rude jokes about mi mums' house so I said to him, "Alright Ted, I'll make you a deal. If you go back out the front door, I'll push a piece of toast through the letter box for you."

After a few minutes he agreed to go out of the houses but not before I threatened to call the cops and tell them he forced his way into mi mums' house. Before he left the kitchen, because I had the upper hand over him, he pulled out his dick and stuck it in mi mums' teapot and started to laugh. He also encouraged the other boys to laugh. This made me really angry. I said to one of the other boys, "Alright, go and call the cops and if not I'll go and call them and put you all in with Eubanks!"
"Alright Swindells, I'm going." Eubanks said "But I still want mi piece of toast shoved through the letter box."
"Not before you're out of here!" I said.
Once this big fat bully was outside, I locked the door behind him.
'BANG, BANG, BANG!' He knocked very loudly on the front door.
"What do you want?" I said.
"Shove mi piece of toast through!"
"Fuck you Eubanks. I changed mi mind now!"
"I'll go around to the back door and make a commotion so the neighbors know what's going on!"
"Fuck you!" I said as I walked away from the front door.
3 minutes later he was thumping on the back door. I shouted though the letterbox to him, "Go away, you're making a nuisance out of yourself!"
"If you give me one piece of toast I'll go away quietly and not bother you again."
"Alright." I said. "One piece and that's it!"
As soon as a piece of toast and jam was ready, I said to him, through the letter box, "I've got one piece here for you and I'll shove it through the letter box if you promise to go away and leave us alone!"
"Alright, shove it through!"
I opened the letterbox door and pushed the piece of toast and jam through. Fat pudgy fingers grabbed it and it disappeared out of sight.
I thought that was going to be the end of it but after a couple of minutes he started to shout and bang on the door again!
"What d'ya want now?" I said.
"Give me some more toast Swindells. I'm hungry!"
"Go away. You've already had one piece and your reneging in the deal!"
"I'm not going until you give me another slice!"
As I was watching the toast cook, I noticed a slice that had a large air-bubble in it but the whole didn't go all the way through to the other side. I had a brainwave!!
"I'll get rid of him." I said to the boys.
"What ya gonna' do Dick?" said Brownie.
"Just watch me and you'll see."
Opening mi mothers' cutlery drawer, I took out an old butter knife and opened the cellar door.
"Don't feed that piece of toast to the dog, Dick. I'll eat it."
"You wont' eat it when I'm finished with it!" I said.
"Where ya going with the toast and knife, Dick?"
"Come on and I'll show you."
When we all got down the cellar steps Raja was happy see us all and I was happy to see what Raja had left on the cellar floor! Bending down over a large solid dog turd, I sliced a big piece off of it and pushed it into the air bubble hole in the piece of toast.
"Lets go back upstairs." I said, amidst 3 loud, laughing voices.
"Now what?" said Brownie.
"Now I'm going to cover the dog shit with a liberal serving of margarine and jam."
"Then what?"
"Then, I'm going to push it through the letterbox for Eubanks. Just watch!"
"Eubanks!" I called out.
"Where's my toast Swindells?"
"Coming right up Teddy." I said. "Open the letterbox!"
The letterbox opened and I pushed the dog shit sandwich through. The fat fingers grabbed it and the letterbox snapped tightly shut.
We all sat down at mi mums table and waited for the results. Eubanks voice boomed through the letterbox again.
"That was really great! Give me one more slice and I really will go this time Swindells. I won't bother you anymore after that and I won't beat you up either!"
"Alright Ted but this is definitely the last piece! All right?"
"All right Swindells, it's a deal."
After toasting a piece of bread I dug out a large hole in one side of it and then went back downstairs in the cellar and filled the hole with some fresh dog shit spread. Back upstairs I covered the dogshit spread with another liberal amount of margarine and jam.
"Last piece coming through Ted!" I said, as I again pushed the slice of toast through the letterbox door.
Everybody maintained silence again as we listened for Ted crunching down on the dogshit sandwich. After he'd finished he called through the letterbox, "Thanks Swindells, that was great. It'll keep me going until 4 O'clock this afternoon. You're not a bad bloke after all! It will save me the trouble of beating you up now. I'm off! See you all later. I watched him walk past mi mums' kitchen window and off up the street he went.
"Alright, the coast is clear. Eubanks has gone!" I said.
Raucous laughter burst out of everyone for about 10 minutes.
"That was really a good show Dick", said Tony Steele.
"He won't stick his dick in mi mums' teapot again for some time!" I said, between laughs.
"Come on, let's get cleaned up or we'll be late back for school."
Later on that afternoon, Johnnie Brown came to see me at one of the school breaks.
"Ted's after you Dick. He's gonna' punch your head in after school!"
"Why would he be after me?" I said. "The last time I saw him leaving mi mums' house he was all right towards me?"
"He knows you put dog shit on his pieces of toast!"
"Well, if he found out, it must have come from you."
"It just sort-of slipped out when we were talking in class." Brownie said.
"Like hell! You told him on purpose Brown! Here's the rest of ya weeks dinner money back. I don't want to hang around with you anymore. You're either for me or against me so it's pretty plain to me that you're against me, which is alright by me because at least I know where I stand with you now!"
Brownie was not too happy about what I said because I told him the Truth.

Eubanks was waiting for me with his cronies when I came out of class at 4 O'clock. I had to dodge around him so as not to get beaten up. I gave Eubanks the slip for about 2 weeks until finally one evening; him and his mates were hiding behind a wall in wait for me!
When he finally grabbed hold of me he gave me 2 or 3 hard punches before I was able to get away. Brown showed his true colors because he was with Eubanks at the time, egging him on and laughing.
I was determined that Eubanks would not make me cry and as soon as he let go of my Blazer, I made my getaway at top speed. Eubanks was a fatty so he could not catch me, although he tried.
"SCREW YOU EUBANKS!" I said as I ran down the road. "YOU TOO BROWN!"
"I'M GLAD YOUR TATTOO GOT FUCKED UP. YOU DESERVE ALL YOU GET!"