BUSKING AT XMAS - Boston street

BUSKING AT XMAS

     Mi mum had given her consent for me to go to Australia with the Big Brother Movement so I was now in the middle of sending forms backwards and forwards to London. The whole process took about a year to complete.

     Bruce Whipp, the Australian who used to live next door to us, had already packed in his job and taken his Yorkshire wife and 3 small children back to Australia. Before he had left he said to me that as soon as he had an address and phone number he would send it on to me and being true to his word, I had his letter in my top drawer in mi bedroom.

     It was almost Christmas now. The weather had turned icy cold and it looked like we were all in for a cold, hard Yorkshire winter. I had decided to make this Christmas mi last one with Elland Silver Band because as well as leaving home for Australia I had lost a lot of interest in playing Brass Band music. I would be 15 soon and the thought of going to Australia consumed the interest I'd had in the Brass Band.

     I would tell most of mi friends at school, "I'll be leaving school earlier than you lot because I've been accepted in a program that takes boys under 18 to Australia and finds work for them on farms and out in the Bush,"

"You're only joking with us Dick-lad.," they'd say. "You won't be leaving school before we do. You'll be stuck in Sowerby Bridge for the rest of your life, the same as us, so why do you persist in spinning us all a big yarn?"

"All right. I won't say another word about it. You're right and I'm wrong. I'll be leaving school the same day as you lot!"

"That's better Dick. It's unheard of to leave school before your time and whoever heard of a 15-year-old boy going to Australia on his own! But, we've got to hand it to you Dick; you sure can spin a good yarn. Where do you think them up from?"

"Just joking lads." I said.

"Yeah, let's play 'closest to the wall'.

     As it got closer to Christmas, Elland Band got ready for the Christmas Carol Busking day. Every 25th of December we would all get together as a band and play Christmas carols in the streets and this 25th was no exception. One of the older band members picked me up in Sowerby Bridge 'cause the double decker buses did not start to run till late on Christmas morning. When we were all ready, present and organized we set off up the road, marching and playing in our bright red & gold uniforms. Against a background of pure white snow, no one could miss seeing or hearing us as we stood at the top of the terraced streets and played everybody's favorite Christmas carols.

     We always took about 10 band friends along with us and their job was to walk down the streets with the collection boxes and knock at the doors.

"Merry Christmas from Elland Silver Prize Band!", they'd say as the people smiled and put a couple of shillings into the collection box.

     Now, prior to the 25th, I had decided to do some busking around the streets with mi trumpet to see how much money I could make for Christmas. I said to mi pal, Steven Powell,

"Do you want to make some money tonight?"

"What do I have to do for it?", he said.

"I'm going out busking with mi trumpet so if you want to come along here's what we'll do."

     After I explained the procedure to him, he liked the idea. We decided to meet halfway between this house and mine.

It was a really cold night and the snow was falling in large fluffy flakes as we trudged through the snow to an area I knew of a few miles away. When we eventually arrived in the high-class area, I said to Steven, "We come here because terraced-houses only contain poor people. In this area they're all rich 'cause they live in semi-detached houses or bungalows, so here's the plan. We go to the first door and you knock and as soon as they open it, I'll start to play a Carol on mi trumpet and you start to sing. While you're singing along with me, take this tin I brought with me and stick it under their noses. Make sure you smile 'cause I can't smile and play trumpet at the same time. Oh, and try to look cold and shivery. That's a good one. It always sucks 'em in!"

     By the time an hour had passed we had quite a few bob rattling up and down in the tin. Steve and me had a great time that evening, even though it was freezing cold and we were covered in snow. It was so cold that at one point we knocked on a door and waited. As soon as it opened, I put the trumpet to mi lips and played the first two G's to Good King Wenceslas. When I went to push the first and second valves down to make an A, the valves on the trumpet had frozen up so this horrible noise came out of the Bell and we heard a baby start to cry from upstairs. As the door fully opened, an angry young woman appeared. Out of fear, Steve stuck our collection tin under her nose and kept singing. Steve was not much of a singer so the woman said, "Shut that ghastly noise up! You should learn to sing before you go out busking and as far as your friends' trumpet playing goes, he'd have been better off leaving it at home, 'cause all he's done with that noisy, obnoxious thing is to wake up my baby!! Here's 2 bob.", she said as she gave us both a dirty look. "Now bugger off and don't come back here again or I'll call the cops!"

I couldn't help myself so I started to laugh at the situation. "Come on Steve, the lady does not appreciate good music when she hears it!"

"I'll 'good music' you two rascals if you come knocking on my door again this Christmas!"

     Let's go down the road a-ways Steve. There's some more bungalows that I know of. I'll have to take mi trumpet valves out first and spit on 'em to get 'em going."

"Why don't you put some oil on 'em Dick. It'll save you spitting on them?"

" 'Cause valve oil is no good in cold weather. It makes 'em stick worse. They'll be all right in a minute and as soon as I've got 'em freed up I'll just have to keep them moving as we're walking along. Let's go to that big house at the end of that street.", I said to Steve as we trudged on through the cold evening.

"All right, same procedure Dick?"

"Same procedure Steve. As soon as the door starts to open, we'll play. 'We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, then smile and rattle the tin and don't be shy about rattling the tin. The noise of the tin reminds them we're not just here for the good of our health or to play for free. That's how Elland Band does it and it always works, so give it a good hard rattle. Are you ready?"

"Ready Dick."

"All right, knock now. Wait till they come. I can hear their footsteps but don't make a sound yet."

The large ornate door handle started to turn.

"Now Steve!", I said.

I struck up the first few notes of 'We wish you a Merry Christmas', and Steve was right with me. He was also in key, which made a change for him. As soon as the big door swung open Steve's mouth fell open and he stopped singing. I had the habit of closing my eyes when I played so I opened them to find out why he was not singing and rattling our collection tin as we had planned. I almost stopped playing myself when I saw who was blocking the light from the open door. It was Mr. Miles, our school Headmaster! I don't know who got the greatest shock, him or us. 'Screw him.' I thought. 'It's Christmas'! I stamped on Steve's toe and he immediately came out of shock and started to rattle the tin and sing at the top of his voice, in another key.

"All right, you've made your point!", said Miles. "How much is this little prank going to cost me?"

"Most people give as much as they can afford Sir.", I said.

"I should have known you'd say that Swindells before I asked!"

Miles was now well and truly hooked. If he didn't cough up, he knew that I'd tell everyone at school what a Scrooge he was. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a handful of money. He took a half crown and dropped it through the rough cut-out slot of Steves' tin.

He was just about to put his money away, when I said, "Sir, there's two of us." He gave me one of his famous 'school Headmaster looks' and then dropped another half crown into the tin.

"Would you like us to finish the song Sir?", I said.

"I don't think so Swindells. I think my Christmas holiday has been well and truly ruined enough."

"Well, thank you very much Sir. I hope you have a very merry Christmas."

He wasted no time closing the big, expensive door. As soon as me and Steve got out of earshot, we burst into sidesplitting laughter.

     That evening, cold as it was, we were now 3 pounds each better off and for all the canings we'd each received from old Miles over the years, we now felt like we were one-up on the sadistic old bugger!

GEORGE THE BOOZER

GEORGE THE BOOZER

     When I got back to Boston Street, it was about midnight. I didn't need the key mi mother had given me because the lights were still on. As soon as I touched the doorknob the door came open and mi mothers' sour face was looking at me.

"What are you doing still up? It's just after 12, ya should be in bed. Where's Jim?"

"He's in bed. He was tired."

"So why didn't ya go with him?"

"I can't sleep knowing you're out of a night time. Ya want a cuppa' tea?"

"No thanks Mum, it's a bit late for tea."

"I suppose you've had too much beer with ya father?"

"Listen Mum, it doesn't have to be like this. I'm 21 now. I've been away for 6 years."

"I'y. I wish you'd stayed away now."

"What do ya mean by that?"

"Well, what I don't know doesn't hurt me, does it? I thought you were going to come home as a real nice boy but you're nothin' but a boozer like ya father!"

"It's how I live my life mother. I don't tell you how to live your life, do I?"

"Ya don't have to, 'cause I don't drink."

"Everyone I know drinks beer. It's only a way of socializing."

"I don't have to drink beer to socialize."

"No, maybe your friends don't drink beer, so I guess you don't."

"Well, I don't like it Richard and I don't know how long I can put up with your drinking, lad."

"I've only been home 2 days and 1 night, Mother. What are you talking about?"

"Well, you could have taken me out to dinner tonight somewhere. Instead you prefer to go out boozing with your father."

"All right, I'll take you out somewhere tomorrow night."

"Ya can't. Ya boozing pals are coming for ya tomorrow night."

"OK then, we'll go out the following night."

"Don't bother Richard. I'd hate to put you to any trouble."

"Listen Mother, I don't know what's wrong with you, but you can't blame your state of mind on my behavior. I thought you were happy since you got married to Jim?"

"I've got no complaints with Jim, it's just that you've been away for so long."

"Had you not have left mi Dad and not got married to another bloke, it would have been my duty to look after you when I left school and that I would have gladly done , but you chose to marry another man, which I don't mind, that's your business. But once you did that, don't expect to put the guilts on me that I left home when you needed me!"

"What else could I do? I had to marry someone else or we wouldn't have been able to live on one wage."

"Other women did. Not every woman with kids gets married again, especially if she's got 3 older kids."

"Then what kind of a life would that have been for us?"

"Maybe a better one than I lived, once we left mi Dads."

"How can you say that when Jim was good to you?"

"Yeah, sure Mum. You've got a very short memory when it suits ya!"

"What do you mean by that Richard?"

"Did you forget about the 'stiff arms' he gave me and mi sisters? And what about the times he made us stay home, night after night? Also when he pushed me down the stairs!"

"But he brought ya all those clothes and gave ya money so you could go to Australia."

"Yeah, that's true. I wonder why?"

"How can you insinuate that Richard? Jim loved you like his own."

"He never had any kids of his own to my knowledge, so where do ya get the comparison from?"

"You know what I mean Richard. Don't be smart."

"Listen Mother and listen very carefully. You left my Dad to get married to another man and you expected the 3 of us to call him dad. Well, he isn't my Dad. I'm not complaining and I don't feel angry or guilty about anything 'cause it's all over. You got what you wanted out of life. My life was ruined, so don't tell me how to live my life anymore. If you're happy with Jim then what are you doing up at this time of night?"

"I told you, I couldn't sleep."

"Well, you'll get a chance now 'cause I'm going to bed. There's nothing more to say. You live your life and let me live mine. Good night, see you in the morning."

     That evening, as I laid in my old room, I felt really f^ckng angry now and I refused to have mi Mother dump her guilt on me 'cause I could tell she wasn't happy. Jim Bailey was a decent bloke for marrying her but she knew and I knew that he couldn't hold a bloody candle up to George. He isn't half the man that George is and never will be.

     I look like my father and I drink beer like he does so I guess that I remind her of things that she'd sooner forget. I thought that things would be different if I came home for a holiday but It looks like I was wrong. So all I could do now was to continue to be myself and see what happens.

      The next morning the household was pretty tense. Sandra said to me,

"Ya fancy a walk Richard?"

"What a good idea Sandra. I'll grab mi coat and I'll be with you in a couple of shakes."

JUBILEE TERRACE..Yorky visits his dad

GEORGE MI DAD

"Hello George", said an elderly woman who passed us on the street. "Who's the young lad with ya? " "That's mi lad. He's come to visit me from Australia."

"Who's that?" I asked mi dad as we walked away?" "She's one of mi new neighbours, lad. She's only been here 6 years. She's a nosy old cow too. She'll go and tell the whole bloody neighborhood now that mi son's come home. I'll probably be on the 7 O'clock news tomorrow night!"

"She seems to like ya Dad."

"Bolox! All she's after is mi bloody pension and someone to do her fetchin' and carryin'. Her old man died a couple of years back and now she's lookin' for another bloody mug. It won't be old George Swindells, I can tell ya that for nought!"

Once we got to the bus stop we walked around in circles, stamping our feet on the ground to warm 'em up.

"Look out lad, here comes our bus. Stick ya hand out or he won't stop..he's in too much of a bloody hurry."

     It was an enjoyable bus ride with mi dad. He even came upstairs with me so I could have a fag. The upper deck was almost empty so he had no complaints about the smoke. It didn't take long before the bus came to a squeaking halt at Sowerby Bridge and pretty soon mi dad and I were walking through the front door of West End Club.

"Evening George." said the club doorman. "It's gonna be a bitter cold night. It's just as well we've got the heat cranked up. Are you a member young fella?"

Before I could answer, mi dad said, "Is he buggery Jack, this is my lad. He's just come over from Australia for a holiday. I'll sign him in."

     Once I was signed in, the doors of the club were open to me so we went inside and ordered 2 pints of Websters Best, then found ourselves a table for the evening. It was about 7 O'clock and the club was empty except for a couple of bar flies who had resigned themselves to seats so as to make it through the evening.

"It's a bit of a dead place, isn't it Dad?"

"It's only 7..they don't start comin' in until 7:30. By 8, ya won't see an empty seat in this place. At 8:15 there's an act on so it's bound to fill up."

"What kind of an act is on tonight?"

"Oh, some bloody comedian-singer. I saw his poster as we came in. His name's Eddy Mac or something of the other."

"Is he any good?"

"Buggered if I know lad. I haven't heard him before, but if he's ought like the other buggers we'd may as well not have him. There's mi old mate Gavin comin'. His old lady must have let him off the leash early tonight."

"Evening George lad. How are ya?"

"Same as always Gavin. How would you expect me to be?"

"Just askin' George. Ya know my old backs' been playing up something terrible this week."

"Suppose you've been diddlin' that old wench of yours again, have ya?"

"Don't be silly George, it's probably healed up as far as I know."

"So you say Gavin. If ya not getting ought, how come she's still pushing ya around?"

"That's just her way George. I'm used to that by now. I've been married to her for 40 years."

"That's 39 years too bloody long Gavin. Go and get yourself a pint and come and sit ya self down before ya fall down."

"I take it that's one of ya drinking mates Dad?"

"I'y, I've known him for years lad. He's mi drinkin' mate when he's allowed out and when he's not down at the club, he's a bloody house-wife for that wench of his."

Gavin came back over and sat down at our table. He took a mouthful out of his pint and went. "Haaaa! So who's the young bloke ya with George? Aren't ya gonna introduce us?"

"Who the hell does he look like Gavin? Have a good bloody look?"

"He looks a lot like you George, now I take a bit more notice."

"Course he looks like me. He's mi son!"

"I thought your lad was in Australia, George?"

"He was. Now he's here. He's come over to see me. His name's Richard."

"My name's Gavin, good to meet ya Dick. So you're Georges' lad eh?"

"You're a bit more handsome than ya Dad, far as I can tell."

"Bolox Gavin!" said mi Dad. "If he looks as good as me when he's 75, he'll be doin' all right, but if he keeps smoking those bloody fags like they're going out of fashion, he might not see 24, never mind 75?"

"Don't listen to him Dick. I've known ya dad for 40 bloody years. He was just the same as you when he was a young'un. He smoked like a bloody chimney."

"That's when I was young and bloody stupid Gavin, just like him."

"Where's ya old girlfriends George, haven't they shown up yet?"

"Girlfriends mi bloody arse Gavin. They come and sit at my table uninvited. What the hell am I supposed to say, Piss Off!"

"Oh no George, they'd never buy ya another beer again if ya said that."

"I suppose a man should. They're always trying to get a bloody foot in my front door."

"Maybe it would be good for ya George."

"Bolox Gavin! Ya think I want to end up like you, on a bloody chain. Ya must be jokin' man."

Just then, two old ladies with curled and dyed hair walked over to the table.

"Evening George, hello Gavin. Ya saved our places I see."

"We saved nothin'. The club put 'em there. We just didn't bother to shift 'em." said Dad.

"George", said the big fat one, "We know you better than that. Who's the young fella anyway?"

"It's mi lad. Ya can keep ya eyes off him too, Neither of us are available."

"My names Maude and this is my pal Gert. Ya father's full of jokes ya know. He couldn't do without us really."

"Don't bloody bet on it or you'll lose ya pension money." said George.

"Gavin, go and get us 2 half-pints please.", said Maude.

"Tell 'em to fetch their own beer Gavin. Ya only get one night out as it is." said George.

"Oh it's all right George, I don't mind."

"Please ya sen then. Bigger bloody fool you!"

"You're grumpy tonight George. Did ya lose on the races?" said Gert.

"Well, I didn't win, put it that way."

     So that's how I spent that first evening with mi Dad. He seemed to be quite happy having a few beers with people his own age that obviously adored him. Once the club closed down for the night, I walked mi Dad down to the bus stop and made sure he caught his last bus home to Jubilee Terrace.

INNGS FARM

THE MATCHBOX WITCH

"Richard, Richard!" mi mum yelled.

"What?"I sez.

"Don't what me! Go down field to old Mrs. Wheelers' house and get me a carton of matches.

"What!" I said in horror.

"You heard me. I'm out of matches. Go down to old ladies house and get me some matches. Here's a shilling and mind you don't lose it on the way."

"I'm not going down there to her house, she's a witch!"

"Don't be bloody daft. There's no such thing as witches."

"There is mum. I've been reading about them in history books at school. They turn little boys into toadstools and little girls into frogs!"

"You daft bugger. Sometimes I'm sorry you learned to read. You're supposed to be getting more brains, not less."

Just then mi dad adds his two penneth, "If brains were gunpowder he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off!"

"Here's the money. Now go and do as you're told.'

There was no getting out of it now so I begrudgingly took the shilling from mi mums hand.

I wasn't fond of having two sisters. A brother would have been much better to my way of thinking. Sometimes though, they came in handy on occasions such as these.

Off to find mi sisters.

"Hey Sheila." I sez. "Do you want to come for a walk?"

"Where to?"

"Oh, not far. Just down the field to Mrs. Wheelers house."

"Don't be daft! She's a witch. She'll eat me!"

Now I wish I hadn't teased them about Mrs. Wheeler coming in the dead of night to grab them from their beds. After pleading, emotional blackmail and every other ploy I could think of, she wasn't having a bar of it.

"No, I'm scared!" was her final answer.

I set off on the most dreaded journey of my young life.

'I'll never make it. She'll put me in the big cooking pot she keeps on her stove. Then, she'll eat me all up and no one will know. No more fun and games. I know, Dinah! Dinah, at least she'll come with me.

"Come on Dinah, let's go."

Off we go. At least Dinah loves me. Down the field we go, along the wallside to the far end of field, through snicket to a row of cottages. There were three cottages in all. Mrs. Matlocks' was on one end, an empty one in middle and old Mrs. Wheelers' place was on the end. The dark end! I had only to walk along the end side of her building now. It was a narrow walkway made of flagstones with a tall black-stone wall running alongside it.

'No escape there,'I thought.'Too high.'

On 'tuther side was a muck-middin. (a muck-middin is where the farmer piles up the cow dung when he shovels out his cow sheds.) Nine or ten feet deep of cow clap. No way out there.

Creeping along the narrow pathway I sez, "Come on Dinah, stay close."

Dinah sits down on the path and looks at me. "Let's go, come on, theres now't to be scared of!"

She lays down and looks up at me. "Come on Dinah, don't be daft. She won't eat ya. She doesn't like dogs, they're too tough."

Dinah wasn't budging. She also refused to be pulled.

'This is it. I'm on mi own now.' I thought.

Around the corner of her house I creep, not hardly breathing. Mi heart was banging so loud it was deafening me. The front door was half open so I tried to sneak a look around the door jam. It was no use. There was a thick, long black curtain blocking my view. 'Only one thing left to do now.'I thought.

I knocked on the open door very quietly, hoping she wouldn't hear me. No answer. The thought flashed across mi mind. 'Leave now while you still can!' I considered it but I knew mi mum would give me a clout, call me stupid and send me back. (I'd done that once before.) I knocked a bit louder. No answer. There was only once course of action left open. I called out to her in my most feeble voice, "Mrs. Wheeler?" No answer. I made one step forward, took a big swallow and called again, "Mrs. Wheeler?" Nothing. Maybe I'm lucky and she's gone out or better still, maybe she's dead!" I decided to make one last shout as loud as I could.

"Mrs. Wheeler?"

"Who is it?" The reply came.

'Oh no! She's home!' I swallowed hard, "It's me, Richard."

"Come inside." She said.

'Oh God! Please no! Now I'm really done for.'

"Come inside." came the reply again.

This time my throat was so dry I couldn't swallow at all. Slowly, I reached out to touch the curtain. It was made of thick, black velvet and smelled funny. I grabbed the side nearest the far wall and pulled it back a couple of inches. Next, I peered behind the curtain with mi left eye. To my surprise, I couldn't see a thing! It was pitch dark.

"Mrs. Wheeler?" I said, not as loud this time.

Her voice came back, "Come in Richard. I'm not feeling too well today."

I pulled the black curtain to one side and stepped through it. When I let it go it closed behind me. It was dark so I stood there for, what seemed like, hours. Not a sound. I was starting to see different shades of black now. I walked slowly forwards, my left hand tracing the old plastered wall. The smell was getting thicker now as I neared, what looked like, an open doorway with no door.

When I reached the doorway it was not quite as dark and I could see into her room. At the far end was an open door leading into kitchen. The curtains were drawn across the window. this window must have looked out onto our filed. To the side of kitchen door was a huge cabinet with cups and saucers on the top shelves. In the middle of the cabinet was a shelf with a porcelain vase on it and an old radio. down below were two large cupboards. On the joining wall was a fireplace with a dull fire going and a massive big cauldron pot. Steam was coming out of the top.

Just then, a voice said,"Come in lad. What do you want?" As my head jerked around, almost off its hinges, I saw her! There she was, in a long black dress done up to the neck. She was lying on an old brass poster bed, propped up on two white-looking pillows.

"What d'ya want lad? I'm not feeling well today."

I heard this squeaky voice say, "Mi mum sent me for a carton of matches."

"Go over to that kitchen cabinet. You'll find 'em in that bottom right-hand cabinet."

Oh no! This meant I had to turn my back on her! I was frozen with fear now.

"Go on." She sez."Hurry up lad!"

I slowly turned towards the cabinet and may way over to the cupboard. Slowly, I bent towards the cupboard door. My little fist was aching from squeezing the shilling. I reached out to touch the door handle. Just then, a black cat with green eyes run out from under kitchen cabinet! I had my first heart attack, on the spot! I'd already imagined her coming towards me with the meat chopper in her hand as my back was turned.

"AHHHHHH!" I let out a yell and spun around. To my surprise, she was still laid on bed. She was smiling at me as she said, "It's only my cat Tommy. He won't hurt ya."

I turned around quickly, pulling the door open. Inside there were lots of cartons of matches. I grabbed the first box, then closed the door and spun around fast as I could.

"How's ya mum getting on?" She said.

"Good, thank you."

She must have seen my clenched fist squeezing the shilling, so she sez "Leave money on top of cupboard, lad."

I reached out and put shilling on top of cupboard. Mi hand was so sweaty the shilling was stuck to mi palm. I had to put matches under mi arm to remove shilling from mi hand.

"Run along then." She said. "I'm tired now."

I didn't need any encouragement at all, as I headed for the doorway. I hit the passage at full speed, matches in hand. Straight through the black curtain I went, not bothering to part it from the wall.

As I hit daylight, Dinah was waiting for me. "Come on Dinah, we're off!" Down the passage way, round corner, along wall and straight up our field. Neck and neck we ran, Dinah and me, crashing through our farm-house door and into front room, Dinah still barking.

"What's up with you?" mi mum sez. "Can't you ever walk? Do you have to run everywhere, even in house?"

Mum looked down at Dinah and said, "What's he been up to Dinah? More mischief as usual?" Dinah never said a word. She just wagged her tail.

When I saw mi sisters, they said, "What happened Richard?"

"Now't, I wasn't scared a bit!"

From that time on I never teased them about the Matchbox Witch again. I could always think of some't else to tease 'em with!

DICK LAD THE DENTIST

Mi sister Sandra sez to me, "My tooths sore Richard and it's loose as well, but it won't come out."

"Which one is it?"

"This one at front."

"Let me have a look"

"No, you'll hurt it."

"I promise I wont. I just want to see it."

She opened her mouth to show me and I sez, "Which one is it?" She touched the one that was loose and I saw it wiggle.

"Pull it out.", I sez

"No, it's sore."

"Don't be a big baby."

(She must have been all of 4 - 1/2 years by then)

"I'm not a big baby, I'm grown up now."

"Then let me pull it out for ya."

"How ya gonna do it?"

"I'll get mi dads' pliers, that'll get it out fast."

"All right.", she sez, timidly.

When she saw me coming with mi dads' big rusty pliers she started crying again.

"Don't be a softy! It won't hurt a bit."

That made her cry even more. It also made her jump up and down in one spot. I knew she wasn't going to agree to this game so I had to use mi head and come up with something a bit more creative and less scary.

By this time I'd made up mi mind, 'that tooth is coming out somehow!' Now another brain wave.

"I know what we'll do and it won't hurt a bit."

"What?"

I went into mi mums' sewing box and got out a bobbin of black cotton and put a slip knot in one end and tied 'tuther end to kitchen door.

"Is it going to hurt?", she sez

"No, I won't feel a thing.", I sez to her.

"Alright but if it hurts, you're not doing it!"

"Look here, you look in mums big mirror and put this slip knot over your loose tooth and when you've done that, I'll tie 'tuther end to kitchen door knob."

After that part of the operation was done I said to her, "Now you stand here and I'll push door open."

She was standing there looking at the door with her eyes wide open. Fear was all over her face.

"Don't look. Close your eyes and you won't feel a thing. It'll be out before you know it."

Soon as she closed her eyes, I opened kitchen door with a 'whoosh!' She gave a yelp and started to cry. When I examined the end of mi mums' cotton I found no tooth. The cotton had snapped right in the middle.

"You hurt me! I'm going to tell our mum on you when she gets home."

"Don't be a softie. I got another brain wave coming up."

After a lot of persuasion, by reminding her of all the sweets she could buy with the tanner (a sixpence...a nickle) from the fairies, she agreed to to my next brain wave. I went into the feed bins and I found some good strong string. It was thin enough to go around the tooth and strong enough not to break. 'This time.", I thought.

I knew she wouldn't agree to another go after this one so this one had to be it.

"Come over here and sit in mi dads' chair. Now, you put this slip knot over your front tooth, alright?"

She agreed. So far so good.

"What you gonna do with the other end? You're not going to tie it to kitchen door again?"

"No I got a better idea now. I'll make Dinah sit in front of you and we'll tie 'tuther end around her neck."

"Will it hurt?"

"Not a bit and Dinah will get to help. She'll have some fun too."

I called Dinah over. Over she came, wagging her tail, always willing to please she was.

"Now Dinah, you sit down here. That's a good girl."

After she sat down with her back to mi sister, I tied 'tuther end of string around her neck. Everything was all set.

"Now, listen to me Sandra. You hang on to arms of mi dads' chair and don't let go."

"Don't hurt me Richard or I'll tell mum on you!"

"Don't worry Sandra, you won't feel a thing. Alright Dinah, you stay there and don't move till I tell you."

Dinah was a well-trained dog and she loved being part of our games. Next, I slowly walked backwards till I reached the back wall.

"Come here Dinah, look what I got you lass!"

Dinah bounds forward. I showed her a dog biscuit. She loved 'em.

'PING!' out came tooth.

"Done it!", I yells with glee and pride.

"WAHHHHHHH!", goes mi sister as blood starts to trickle down her lip. "You said it wouldn't hurt. You promised it wouldn't hurt!"

"Well, It's out now. It won't hurt anymore."

The tooth was hanging by a bit 'a skin sticking out over the bottom of her lip. It was so loose she pulled it out her 'sen. From then on she didn't need my help.

Dinah was sat right in front of me waiting for her biscuit.

When mi mum got home and saw mi sister with a gap in her bottom teeth she asked what happened. After she heard the story from mi other sister, she gave me one of her looks, muttered under her breath and said to Sandra, "Bigger bloody fool you!"

That night the fairies came to get the tooth from under her pillow in exchange for a tanner.

RATS TO YA

One morning mi dad wasn't around so I went looking for him. I found him in the small room next to a big old brewers barrel and I said,

"what ya' up to dad?"

"Now't."

"What's in the barrel?"

"Rats!"

"ey Dad, what ya gonna do with rats?"

"Watch and you'll find out."

Just then I 'erd this squeekin' noise and loud bangin' around in the barrel. He must have been a mind-reader 'cause right when I was gonna' reach out and take the lid off of the barrel, I 'erd mi Dad say,"And don't take the lid off that barrel. Just wait and watch."

I did. I waited for ages and ages and now't appeared. I was thinking of taking lid off 'a barrel but I dare'nt. So, I left and found summat else to amuse misen with.

That night, I couldn't get them rats out of mi 'ed. Next morning, when I got up, first thing I went into barn. Mi dad was looking in barrel and when he saw mi coming he put lid back on.

"What's up in barrel, Dad?"

"Now't and keep ya nose out 'a barrel!"

"Ya must be doing summat, Dad?"

"Am doin' now't, wait and see."

The barrel was very quiet. No noise. I was gonna' sit on barrel lid but I was a bit scared so instead I grabbed the milking stool and sat there with mi elbows on mi knees and mi 'ed in mi 'ands watchin'. All of a sudden they started squeekin'. It made me jump so much I nearly fell off 'a stool. I walked around barrel to see if I could peek through any of the cracks in the barrel but they were all too narrow,

This went on for what seemed weeks to me. Everyday, I'd go and sit in front of barrel and everyday they'd squeek. One day, I was sitting in front of barrel and mi dad come into barn.

"ey Dad, there's no sqeeking comin' out a' barrel today."

"Good, that's what I've bin waitin' for."

He goes up to barrel and lifts lid up a little bit and peeks inside."

I sez to him, "Why aren't rats squeekin' any more?"

"They're all gone except one."

"Where they all gone? They couldn't 'ave gotten out a' barrel." (Just in case he thought I looked inside and they all got out 'cept one.)

"Ya' want to look inside barrel?"

"Yeh!" even though I was a bit more scared by now.

"Come over 'ear and be careful."

He lifts lid on barrel and shines 'is torch inside. I looked in barrel and it made mi jump! Mi heart was banging away. In bottom of barrel I saw this great big, fat brown rat. He was as big as mi cat 'Meatmeat." He had these big black eyes that were staring at me. My heart was banging even louder now!.

"Where are all the other rats gone? How'd they get out a' barrel?"

"They didn't get out boy. That one in there ate 'em all."

"Why'd he eat 'em all?"

"Cause he was hungry. He ate the weakest ones till they were all gone."

"But why'd he do that?"

" 'Cause now he's tasted rat meat. He likes it and he won't go and eat me week-old chicks."

Mi dad picked up barrel then with the lid on, so I followed him into barn where all hens were. He took barrel over to corner of barn and said, "Stand back!" I watched him tip barrel over and then this big, brown rat run out a' barrel and across floor and straight for the light shining under the big barn door.

"Dad! He's runnin' away! What now?"

"He'll be back. He's a cannibal rat now. He'll come back and attack all the smaller rats in barn soon as he gets hungry."

After that I looked for him every day but I never saw him for a long time.

One day, I sez to mi dad,"eh dad maybe the cannibal rat run away for good?"

"No, he's still living around barn somewhere."

"How d'ya know he is dad?"

" 'Cause there's hardly any rats livin' in barn now and I haven't found any half-eaten chicks for weeks."